WASHINGTON, DC- Donald Trump’s former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, has shocked the world after being indicted earlier today on a litany of serious charges. According to the New York Times, Manafort is accused of [funneling] millions of dollars through overseas shell companies and [using] the money to buy luxury cars, real estate, antiques and expensive suits.
In an improvised statement drafted within the past 24 hours, Paul Manafort has not accepted or denied the allegations, but does go on to state that “he’s like totally gay” and “loves penis, or whatever”.
The Trigger has the exclusive statement:
I have a lot of respect and admiration for Robert Mueller as an investigator. I’m beyond horrified to hear his story. I honestly do not remember the encounter, it would have been a long time ago. But if I did behave in the way that he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate political behavior, and I am sorry for the feelings he describes having carried with him all these years.
This story has encouraged me to address other things about my life, how I love penis, or whatever. Which is to say, that I have homosexual relationships with men and stuff. Because I am gay, and I choose now to live as a gay man. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with me stating that I am a homosexual, for reals, though.
While nobody has been able to question Manafort on his crimes or homosexuality as of the writing of this post, it has been pointed out that Manafort’s statement on the Russia probe is eerily similar to Kevin Spacey’s statement concerning his alleged lust for nubile young boys.
A spokesman for Miller and Chevalier, Manafort’s legal team, stated that “a homosexual buying expensive coats and shit is not a crime” and that “Hillary’s carpet-munching has kept her from behind bars for decades”.
He also stated that his client had the Grindr account and lubricant collection to beat any charges that Mueller could throw his way.