5 Humane Ways to Murder Communists

Is it okay to punch Nazis? This very deep, philosophical question began making its rounds this year, galvanized by the increased visibility of the alt-right and the election of Donald Trump. For those not in the know, The Forward provides a Nazi-punching reading list of mainstream journalistic viewpoints on the topic.

In the most recent high-profile act of Nazi punching, a gaggle of hipsters in Seattle formed an online lynch mob on Twitter, stalking a man by live tweeting his whereabouts and finally knocking him out cold. He probably deserved it though. He was a Nazi.

punch nazis-seattle

Fascism certainly was a historical precursor to state violence in a number of nations. If beating random men and women in the street could have prevented the deaths of 6 million Jews, along with whoever else Nazis killed at the time (that one I’m not sure of for some reason lol) then the necessary political violence to stop Fascism’s rise would have been a net positive.

Unfortunately for humanity, National Socialism and Fascism are not the only political movement which have lead to widespread death and suffering. For instance, it is generally accepted that Communism has caused up to three times as many political killings as Fascism in the 20th century. Naturally, punching Nazis will not do anything to stop similar outcomes.

With the goal of creating a peaceful future, it is imperative that we brainstorm how to deal with communists as efficiently (and morally) as possible.

Before reading the list below, please keep in mind that this is not satire and that physical assault, up to murder, is always justifiable if your enemy’s political differences have ever led to bloodshed at any point in recorded history. If you have any other great ideas on how to kill communists, be sure to let us know in the comment section below!


5 Humane Ways To Kill Communists


1. Peer pressure into drug-related death

It is well known that at least 90% of modern communists are drug-addicts. This is very lucky, as 90% of communists are slowly killing themselves already! However, there are definitely some ways to speed this process up. Saying things like “dude you’re only doing that much heroin” and “I’ve seen my wife smoke at least four times as much meth as that, pussy” are great ways to push your average antifa agitator over the edge.

For a really crazy time, sprinkle some PCP into a commie’s weed, give him a large knife, and then call your local police department. Just wait five minutes and then tell your “comrade” that “there are fascists outside coming to get him”. Don’t forget, a true socialist always passes the bowl to his antifa bros!


2. Netflix and Kill

Remember that DOPE scene from Inglorious Bastards when some BASED Jewish people slaughtered a whole movie theater full of men and women who were NAZIS?

Why not call up your local antifa chapter and suggest a screening of Inglorious Bastards to pump up the comrades for an upcoming GOP fundraiser where they plan to punch nazis.

Little will they know that during the aforementioned scene you are going to go to town on them with an AR-15 and an improvised flamethrower. Now that’s what I call provocative cinema!


3. Vehicular Homicide

At the bar with some communists? Hey comrades, this round’s on me!

Slip some slow-acting roofies into their beers right before last-call. Before they jump into their car, don’t forget to tell them how much you enjoy assaulting random conservatives with them. This will ensure that the last thought they have before gliding into an oncoming 18-wheeler is of the revolution. Don’t feel bad though, I’m sure the afterlife is a socialist paradise!


4. Punch Nazis… naw… Punch Commies!

Yeah, I’m sort of running out of ideas here, but hitting people with one’s hands is kind of a standard. I’ve heard of a ham sandwich, but a knuckle sandwich? Yowza!

Since communist regimes killed so many more people than fascist regimes, one or two good licks is really not enough. It’s true, I crunched the numbers. That being said, a blunt object to the temple can leave someone permanently disabled for life, or worse!

If you sucker-punch someone who is famous on the internet for being a commie, you might even be creating a meme without knowing you are doing it. I wonder where this porky fucker lives.

Before you insinuate that I’m a shitty person for threatening a child, don’t forget that this kid is equally as culpable for Stalin’s crimes as Stalin was.


5. Free* Helicopter Rides

Everyone loves free stuff and helicopters, but the confluence of both ideas represents a governmental ideal that could only be produced in Pinochet’s Chile.

I can just picture the average leftist now: I’ve heard of free abortions and free college, but free helicopter rides!? I didn’t even know that was an option. Socialism FTW!


free helicopter ride

That’s where you’re wrong, kiddo.


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