Canadian Dog Arrested For Sexual Assault

TORONTO, CANADA- Shaggy, a six year old Canadian Great Dane, was arrested for sexual assault late Thursday night after his master, Vanessa Jones-Lopez-Legrand, alerted authorities to the attack at her downtown apartment.

Since last year’s watershed Canadian Supreme Court decision that legalized most forms of bestiality, many suspected that Canadian courts were justifying the perversions of the country’s animal abusers and sexual perverts. However, this would mark the first time that a Canadian’s dog would sexually abuse its owner.

There will be no more dancing for Shaggy and his terror-stricken victim.

“I am still shaken up after the incident,” said  Jones-Lopez-Legrand, who majors in Womens’ Studies at the University of Toronto. “It just goes to show you that none of us are safe from rape culture. If you have a vagina, you are a target.”

Penut butter is not consent.
-Vanessa Jones-Lopez-Legrand

The trouble arose with Jones-Lopez-Legrand enjoying a wholesome night alone at home. There, she lay in the nude watching Investigation Discovery programming on television while smearing peanut butter on her vagina and anus. It was at this point that Shaggy the dog became sexually aggressive toward its owner.

“I absolutely did not consent to cunnilingus with Shaggy. Not that night, not ever,” said Vanessa, who was visibly shaking. “Peanut butter is not consent.”

If charged, Shaggy could spend the next four to ten years of his life in a high-security kennel.

It should be noted that Vanessa Jones-Lopez-Legrand is no stranger to the Toronto Police Department. In 2016, the university sophomore brought charges against dating app Tinder for mis-gendering her and accused adult-toy manufacturer Doc Johnson of rape.


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